Tuesday, June 17, 2008
People ask if I'm ok.
I'm really, not ok.
I have not slept in 24 hours, maybe more.
My mind just does not want to shut out, it just keeps thinking. Thinking of so many things. Things that have happened, things that would not happen if some things did not happen. I think you get the point.
I stay up the whole night. Its been happening so frequently that I think I'm going nuts. I was up 6 in the morning just reading her blog about the past and memories of how we met just flowed into my mind. Flash backs of everything, every single detail so flawlessly playing out in my mind.
I would scream into my pillow at times of misery, this time I beat the record, 3 times. Telling myself to sleep did not help. I would just lay on my bed, try as hard as I can to fall asleep and my eyes would just pop open. I would just stare at the ceiling and start thinking again.
Going through all that has happened the past 2 months, I could feel like crying all over again. I just remember getting drunk on my birthday all alone at home, waking up the next morning only to wish time would past by faster. Or when its 7 am in the morning how I wished the sun would go away. Even watching late night tv shows got on my nerves and I'd just scold the Tv for being so stupid.
Maybe if I'd treated her better then. She would not have asked for a break and maybe all this would not happen. Maybe if I'd just stayed a friend and not have fallen in love with her and became her boyfriend, just messaged her and talked to her over the phone like old times, all this pain would not have come. Maybe if I hadn't met her, known her or talked to her at all, our lives would be different...
Just Maybe..
I find it very difficult. Difficult to move on, difficult to just even live and breathe properly. This is different, different from previous times where getting over something that has happened or someone would be easy and it'll all go away in a few days.
Its all so difficult without her..
There's no regrets. Looking back at all the fun times, photos, she was really somebody to me. This is because, I've lost everything now. Funny how pain can make reality inflict more pain on oneself. I've lost my mum, I've lost her, now I'm losing my mind.
Its been a long time since I asked God anything. Do I have to ask you something so that you can't take away anything?! Why when I've done no wrong, just enjoyed the life you had given to me before and time and time again you take away making my life a darker place?! Am I a really really bad person to have to go through what normal 19 year olds don't? I don't steal, I don't smite, I don't bear grudges. I'm always smiling when you pull a stunt in my life, but I sure don't deserve all this?! Hell I'm a humanitarian at best! I know you're there, sorry I blamed you, but don't you think its enough?
All I have is a bed, a laptop and 4 walls. These are the people that know me the best. This is what I make my life out to be, cause why? I've no family and no goals now. Time and time again, I've held a knife to my wrist, tried to suffocate myself with the pillow, over drank whiskey, stood at the railings of the highest level. & yet, I never doubted you. From young you've put my life to the test, I held strong through a torrid childhood, been abused by parents, got the worse of results, was never liked at school and heart break after heart break plus with friends who left. Now I left with this? Sleep deprived?
God, let me off...
Remixed on..
6/17/2008 11:33:00 AM
